How to ask someone if they’re OK 

It’s important for everyone to be able to talk about how they’re doing – we all need spaces where we share their thoughts and feelings. And if you’ve noticed something is up with a friend, it’s likely you’ve wanted to ask them if they’re actually OK.

But starting a conversation about mental health isn’t always easy, and lots of people are in the habit of saying they’re ‘fine’, even when things aren’t alright.

Lots of people aren’t sure whether asking a friend about their wellbeing is the right thing to do. They might worry that they’ll make everything awkward, or that asking them directly about their wellbeing will make things worse.

But talking about mental health is one of the most powerful things we can do to challenge stigma and misinformation. It shows your friends that you understand that things can be difficult and that you’re a safe person for them to talk to, and it gives people the chance to open up if they’re struggling.

Sometimes, you might not have the chance to prepare for a conversation about mental health. A friend might open up to you unexpectedly, or you might notice something that makes you worry about a friend’s wellbeing. In those situations, you can only do your best to offer support.

But if you’re planning to ask someone if they’re OK, you could think about your timing.

Try to choose a time when you’re both free to talk – not as you’re rushing into a lesson or when you’re about to get on different buses, for example.

You could also consider where you’ll ask them. Some people find it easier to talk if they’re sitting side by side rather than face to face, so you could arrange to go for a walk or plan a relaxed activity, like cooking or crafting, to help them feel relaxed as they talk.

Other people find it much easier to communicate through writing, so you could pass a notebook back and forth or message each other even if you’re in the same room.

Some people find it helpful to plan what they’ll say, at least at first.

While it’s impossible to predict the whole conversation, you might want to decide how you’ll bring up the topic of mental health to begin with, or how you’ll express that you’re worried.

You could think about how to explain the things you’ve noticed that have made you concerned about someone, making sure you don’t sound judgemental or annoyed. Or, if you don’t know how to put this into words, you could think about bringing up the topic of wellbeing in a more general way.

However you start the conversation, you can then ask your friend a question to give them the chance to open up. It can be helpful to choose an open question like ‘how are you feeling at the moment?’, rather than something where they can answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

It can feel really difficult to ask someone directly about self-harm or suicide.

But the evidence shows that it is a good thing to do. It helps to keep people safe and protects them from harm, and it does not ‘put the idea’ in their heads.

Try to use clear language by asking people if they have thought about hurting or harming themselves or ending their own lives, rather than using less clear language like ‘having dark thoughts’ or ‘doing something silly’.

Asking these questions gives people the chance to be honest if they have thought about hurting or harming themselves, so that together you can tell a trusted adult and get the support they need.

Depending on what you discussed, you could send your friend links to trusted places to get support, like the Best For You website.

There might also be things you’ve said you’ll do together, like trying an app that supports wellbeing.

Your friend might have agreed to try some things on their own, like doing research into local organisations that might be able to offer them some extra support or getting out of the house a few times this week.