Guide

How to listen when someone talks about mental health

Explore how to listen when someone talks about their mental health, including how to respond calmly, check you’ve understood, avoid judgement, and know when to involve a trusted adult.

A woman and a therapist sitting on a sofa engaged in a conversation, with the woman appearing to share her feelings and the therapist listening attentively.

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Listening is something we all do every day, but when it comes to conversations about mental health and wellbeing, listening well is a specific skill.

We all want to give our friends the time and space they need when they open up about their wellbeing, but these sorts of conversations can feel overwhelming if you feel unprepared or unsure what to do.

We have six top tips to help you show your friends you care and want to support them.

Urgent help

Emergency?

If anyone is in immediate danger, call 999 now.

If you need urgent help for mental or physical health, call NHS 111 or get help from NHS 111 online.

Show them that you’re listening

The first thing to do when someone wants to talk about their mental health is to give them your full attention to make sure they feel heard.

If you can’t listen in the moment, and no one’s at risk, you could try to arrange a time to talk when you can give your friend the attention they need and deserve.

Body language and eye contact
If you’re talking in person, your body language can signal that you’re listening. This usually means:
- facing the person you’re talking to
- trying to relax your body
- doing your best to ignore what’s going on around you so you can focus on the person you’re talking to
- putting your phone away or putting it so the screen is facing down so you’re not distracted by notifications
Some people appreciate eye contact as a way of showing someone is listening and connecting, while other people find it uncomfortable. You know yourself and your friends best, so think about whether eye contact is important or whether you’d feel more comfortable sitting side by side or doing something (like a jigsaw puzzle) together while you chat.
Checking you understand
When you’re talking about mental health, it’s important to make sure you understand what someone’s trying to say.

It can be helpful to check what you think you’ve heard and ask if it’s right, for example, by saying something like ‘It sounds as though you’re feeling anxious about going back to school tomorrow after what happened with your friend today. Is that right?’

This gives the person you’re talking to the chance to hear their thoughts and feelings outside of their own head, which might help them understand things better. And it also gives them the chance to explain anything that they’ve struggled to communicate or that you’ve misunderstood or missed.
Acknowledge it isn’t easy
It can be difficult for people to talk about their mental health, so if a friend opens up to you, it’s likely they might be feeling a mix of emotions, including anxiety or fear as well as relief.

It can be helpful to let them know that you understand that it isn’t easy to talk about thoughts, feelings, and mental health. You can do this while reassuring your friend that you’re there, that you’re not judging them, and that you want to help them.

Remember: it isn’t easy to talk about thoughts and feelings — acknowledging that can really help.

Listen before you try to fix anything

When a friend comes to us because they’re struggling, it can be tempting to do everything we can to make things better or ‘fix’ the problem. But as long as no one is at risk, it’s best to give your friend space to open up (and show them that you’re listening) first.

Let silence exist
This can sometimes mean allowing there to be a bit of silence. Silence can feel strange, or even uncomfortable, but it gives people the chance to think through what they want to share and to find the words to express themselves. It also shows that you’re happy to be patient and give your friend’s thoughts and feelings the space they need.

It’s also important to let your friend’s feelings exist without immediately trying to change them. Lots of us find big feelings intense, and even scary, but if you can give someone’s feelings space, it shows you’re not judging them and helps them to feel more comfortable with their own emotions.
What not to say
In practice, this means not immediately encouraging your friend to ‘focus on the positive’, reassuring them that everything’s fine, or sharing an example from your own experience.

You don’t have to agree with everything that someone says to validate their feelings. If someone’s worries or feelings don’t make sense to you, take time to try to understand what’s going on in their head, rather than telling them there’s nothing to worry about.

Sometimes, all people need is to be able to talk about what’s going on. Processing things out loud in a safe space can also help people to find their own solutions.

Even if you go on to work together to problem-solve, by focusing first on understanding the whole situation (and how it’s affecting your friend), you’ll be better equipped to talk through their options – and they’ll feel heard and know they’re not alone.

Work together to decide what to do next

As long as everyone is safe, try not to jump in with a ready-made solution to your friend’s struggles or problems. Often people do this because they want to help, but if you tell someone what to do, they might feel helpless, or think you don’t understand how complicated their situation is.

Ask what they think might help

Encourage your friend to share their ideas or what they’d like to do, and offer your own thoughts too. Then you can talk through the strengths and challenges of each option together.

Being involved in decisions can feel empowering

It can make next steps (like visiting a GP) feel less scary and more manageable.

Remember: everyone is different

Sometimes someone will already have thought through their options, and on other occasions it might help to share information about the support available.

Find out more about mental health if you need to

You don’t need to know everything about mental health to be able to listen to your friends and support them if you’re struggling.

It’s OK to be honest about what you don’t know, whether that’s what an experience might mean or where someone can get help for something specific. It just means you can figure it out together.

You could look at the information on the Best For You website, use the find support tool to find out what help is available, for example.

While it’s really important to be there for your friends, there are some things you just can’t support them with on your own.

There are some situations where telling an adult is the right thing to do to keep people safe, even if your friend does not want any adults to know. If you’re concerned that your friend cannot keep themselves safe (for example, if you’re worried that they will do something to hurt themselves or someone else) you must tell a trusted adult. You also need to tell an adult if you feel that your friend’s problems have become too much for you to handle on your own.