Anger: why it happens and healthy ways to cope

Most people feel angry sometimes – anger is a normal, healthy emotion.

People use lots of words to describe specific types of anger. You might hear people talking about feeling frustrated, mad, cross, resentful, or full of rage.

Sometimes anger can be a helpful feeling – for example, if it tells us the way someone else is treating us isn’t OK, if it protects us when we’re in danger, or if it motivates us to speak up about something that isn’t right.

But it can be unhelpful too – for example, if it makes it harder to communicate with other people or stops us being able to feel other emotions.

For some people, anger starts to have a negative effect on their life if it gets out of control, if they become aggressive, or if they don’t have healthy ways to cope with it.

People experience anger differently, so it can be helpful to try to figure out what anger feels like for you.

If you can notice how anger feels in your body, or how it affects how you think and feel, you can try to cope with it in a healthy way.

You might notice that:

• your heart is beating faster, or you can feel your heartbeat more than usual
• some of your muscles feel tense
• you have a headache, or can feel tension in your head
• you’re clenching your fists
• you’re shaking
• your chest feels tight
• you feel hot
• you feel dizzy
• you’re clenching or grinding your teeth

You might notice that you:

• feel tense or nervous
• can’t relax
• are easily irritated or annoyed
• feel humiliated, like someone else has made you look silly or that other people are judging you
• feel resentful – this means that you feel frustrated or bitter at someone else because you think they’ve treated you badly or let you down, or at a situation you think is unfair
• feel angry about feeling angry
• feel overwhelmed
• feel out of control

Some people express their anger outwardly in ways that are easy to notice, and some people turn it inwards, which can be harder to spot.

You might:

• shout
• swear
• say mean or unkind things (even if you don’t mean them)
• say you will harm other people
• say you will harm yourself
• start fights
• hit, throw, or break things
• ignore people or isolate yourself from others
  sulk (go quiet, and not respond to or join in with other people)
• tell yourself you hate yourself
• self-harm

People can feel angry for lots of different reasons. Sometimes people don’t know why they feel angry, and that’s OK. If you don’t know why you feel angry, you can still use healthy ways to cope with the feeling.

There isn’t one simple answer as to when anger becomes a problem, but there are signs you can look out for that might suggest you need some more help to manage your anger.

If you are struggling to manage your anger, it does not mean that you are a bad person. With the right support, it’s possible to learn healthier ways to cope.

Different people find different ways of coping with anger helpful.

For a lot of people, the first step is being able to notice that they’re angry. If you’re aware that you’re feeling angry, you can take a moment to decide what to do next.

It’s helpful to think about these ways of coping in advance, so you have ideas ready when you’re angry. You could write some ideas down in a note in your phone or make a coping plan with someone you trust like a parent, carer, or teacher.

You could agree a word or sign that you can use to tell people that you’re feeling angry, and you can talk to them in advance about how they can help you when that happens. For example, can they encourage you to use a healthy way of coping from this list? Some people use a literal word, while others might use a gesture or send a message (or just an emoji).

After you’ve been angry, you might feel exhausted and need some extra rest.

Most people find it helpful to reflect on what happened. Can you figure out what caused you to feel angry? What did you do in response to the situation and your feelings? It’s OK to feel angry, but were there things you could have done differently once you started having those angry feelings?

It can be helpful to ask for support from someone you trust. You could talk to them about the situation or tell them how you’re feeling now. Together, you can think about what you need to look after yourself now, and what might be able to do differently in future.

If you feel bad about something you did when you were angry, it can be helpful to take ownership of it and try to make things right. This might mean saying sorry to someone. Sometimes, you might also do something practical, like planning a nice activity with someone, or fixing something you’ve broken (or buying a replacement, if it can’t be fixed).

If you’ve done something you regret, you might feel disappointed, frustrated or even angry with yourself. These feelings let us know that we didn’t react in the way we want to and that there’s stuff we can work on. Remember that everyone makes mistakes sometimes – what’s important is that you do what you can to make things right and try to learn from what happened so you can respond differently in future.

Some people find it helpful to apologise to themselves, as well as to other people, so they can forgive themselves and move on.

If you think your anger might be a problem (or if it’s starting to become a problem), it’s important to get support.

Asking for support can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to feeling vulnerable or if you don’t know what to say. But there are lots of people who want to help and support you to cope with anger and start to feel less angry less often.

You can visit your GP and ask them if they can refer you.

It can be really difficult to support someone you care about when they’re angry, especially if they’re often angry, or if the ways they cope with their anger are unhelpful.

It’s important to remember that people are responsible for their own actions. What someone else does when they’re angry is never your fault.

You could:

• Help them think about the things that can cause them to be angry. You might be able to avoid some of these situations, or make a plan for how to cope if some triggers are unavoidable.
• Help them look at healthy ways to cope with anger and decide on some they can try next time they start to feel angry.
• Support them to get help – for example, by going with them to talk to a trusted adult.
• Encourage them to look after their wellbeing – for example, by getting enough sleep and thinking about movement and exercise.

Try to:

• Stay calm. This can be difficult when you have your own feelings, but if you can stay calm it can help stop the situation getting worse. You can even show the other person how you’re staying calm, for example, if you’re using a breathing technique.
• Remember that you are not responsible for managing someone else’s anger.
• Take a break if you need to. If you can’t stay calm, or you feel overwhelmed, it’s OK to tell the person who’s angry that you need some space from the situation.
• Avoid telling them to ‘calm down’. This doesn’t usually help, and often makes people feel more frustrated.
• Listen to them, if it’s safe to do so. If you feel able to, it can help to give people a non-judgemental space to talk about how they feel and what’s caused their feelings.

You might want to:

• Give them space to continue calming down, if they need it, or suggest calm activities they could try.
• Talk about the situation. You can acknowledge their feelings while also telling them what it was like for you, and how their words or actions made you feel.
• Support them to make things right, for example, going with them to apologise to people or talking about what they can do to fix anything that’s happened because of how they acted when they were angry.
• Think together about what they might want to do differently when they feel angry in the future.