This page talks mainly about parents or carers, but you might also find it helpful if you’re affected by another family member drinking alcohol or using drugs.
If you’re not sure whether someone has a drinking problem, you can find more information on our page about alcohol.
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Ways that a parent or carer’s alcohol or drug use can affect young people
The ways in which a parent or carer’s alcohol or drug use affects a young person can depend on a lot of factors, including:
- how the parent or carer manages their difficulties
- how old the young person was when the problems started
- the other support the young person has around them
Some of the ways that a parent or carer’s substance use can affect young people include:
Being looked after
It’s a parent or carer’s job to look after and support their children (including when their children are teenagers or young adults). When a parent or carer has a drug or alcohol problem, they might not do this very well.
For example, they might not keep their home clean or pay for essentials like clothes and bills. Or they might not spend time with their children, or be able give them the emotional support they need.
Being able to trust people
If your parent or carer has a drug or alcohol problem, you might find it hard to trust them – and some people find it hard to trust anyone at all.
They might let you down by not keeping promises they make, or they might be unpredictable, which means you can’t always tell how they’ll react to things you say or do.
‘If your carer is reaching the point where they are no longer able to look after themselves, they are displaying a degree of untrustworthy behaviour. Their drinking or drug use affects their availability to do things, to be there, and be present, so they’re not reliable – and that affects trust.’
Dr Johan Redelinghuys
Getting an education
If your parent or carer has a drug or alcohol problem, you might find it has a big impact on your education.
You might not be able to go to school or college regularly, for example, if you need an adult to drive you to school, if you don’t have money for public transport, or if you feel you have to stay at home to make sure your parent or carer is OK.
Even if you’re able to get to school, you might find it difficult to focus if you’re stressed or tired – or it might be hard for you to get any books or equipment you need. You might also struggle to keep up with homework if you don’t have a quiet space at home to work, or if you spend a lot of time taking care of your parent or carer or cooking and cleaning.
Mental health and wellbeing
It can be really difficult to watch a parent or carer struggle with a drug or alcohol problem.
You might feel worried or scared for your parent or carer’s wellbeing, or sad about the whole situation. You might be worried about their physical health, especially if they often have to go to hospital. You might also feel frustrated about the impact their substance use is having on you, or angry with them. Or you might find yourself worrying that something you do or don’t do will ‘set them off’, even if you know that it’s not you causing the problem.
If you don’t have support to help you cope with these feelings, it can have a massive impact on your mental health.
You are not responsible for a parent or carer’s alcohol use
If your parent or carer has a drug or alcohol problem, you might have more feelings of responsibility than other young people your age. This could be because:
You have more day-to-day responsibilities if your carer can’t manage things like cooking, cleaning, and laundry.
You feel responsible for keeping your carer safe and looking after them when they’re intoxicated.
You feel responsible for keeping secrets and hiding your carer’s drug or alcohol problem.
You feel responsible for getting your parent or carer support, or making sure they engage with any support they’re offered.
You worry that things you do or say may cause them to get worse.
You feel responsible for taking care of other loved ones (like siblings) when your parent or carer is intoxicated.
Parents and carers have to recover in their own time. No one can ‘make’ someone with a drug or alcohol problem get better – no matter how much they plead or threaten them.
This can be really difficult to cope with, especially if you’re worried about your parent or carer’s safety, or the consequences for your entire family if they don’t engage with support and get better.
There is support available for young people who are affected by a parent or carer’s drug or alcohol use. With help, it’s possible for you to start to feel better, even if your parent or carer doesn’t get better in the way you want them to.
‘If there is an adverse response or outcome, if the thing you’re worried about happens, it is not your fault – it is not your responsibility to prevent it. Of course you want to protect your loved ones from harm. But, if something happens, it is not your fault that it happened. You cannot prevent anything bad from happening. Ultimately, people make choices and accidents happen, and none of those things are the responsibility of a young person or a family member of someone with a substance problem’.
Dr Johan Redelinghuys
Telling someone else about a parent or carer’s alcohol or drug use
If your parent or carer has a drug or alcohol problem, telling someone else can feel complicated. You might be worried about what will happen to you or your parent or carer, or you might feel like you’re breaking their trust. You might even feel ashamed of what’s going on at home, as if it reflects badly on you, even if you know it is not your fault or your responsibility.
Support for everyone
Sometimes, parents and carers might not engage with support around their drug and alcohol use or might not accept it straight away – but knowing that the help is available is often an important first step. In the meantime, they might get some support to make sure things are safe at home and to make sure their children have everything they need, for example.
When people are aware of the situation, it also means that young people can get the help they need and deserve. This might include a space to talk about their thoughts and feelings, as well as help with practical things like school uniform or activities that give them a break from feeling responsible at home.
Social services
Sometimes, young people are worried about telling someone else when their parent or carer is struggling, because they are afraid of social services, or being taken away from home.
Social services are a team of people in your local council, who exist to make sure young people (and vulnerable adults) are safe and looked after. They do not automatically take young people away from their homes or make them live anywhere else. This only happens if it’s too dangerous for a young person to stay at home.
Social services spend lots of time helping families to make things at home better, before they start to think about moving a young person to live anywhere else.
‘I understand why young people don’t always tell another trusted adult, especially because services’ responses can be limited or and might not result in the help or the outcome the young person had wished for. But I would always encourage a young person to let someone else know. It’s not fair for them to try to carry that burden on their own.’
Dr Johan Redelinghuys
Looking after yourself when a parent or carer has a drug or alcohol problem
Emergency?
If anyone is in immediate danger, call 999 now.
If you need urgent help for mental or physical health, call NHS 111 or get help from NHS 111 online.
If you’re affected by a parent or carer’s drug or alcohol use, it can be difficult to find the time or space to take care of yourself – but it’s important.
It can be helpful to express how you feel, for example by writing or drawing about it in a journal, or talking to someone you trust. And it’s also a good idea to try to find time for things you enjoy, like spending time outside or visiting a local library for books.
For some young people, this might also include making a plan for what they can do if they feel unsafe, such as who they could call or where they could go.
When self-care feels difficult
If you’re affected by a parent or carer’s drug or alcohol use, it’s understandable if self-care feels challenging or overwhelming.
Where to get support if you’re affected by a parent or carer’s alcohol or drug use
Emergency?
If anyone is in immediate danger, call 999 now.
If you need urgent help for mental or physical health, call NHS 111 or get help from NHS 111 online.
If you’re worried about a parent or carer drinking alcohol or using drugs, it’s a good idea to talk to a trusted adult like a teacher, youth worker, or GP. They can help to make sure that you get the support you need, while offering your parent or carer support too.
Services like Nacoa, Alateen, and Frank exist to support young people around the topics of alcohol and drugs. You can also contact NATTER to talk about anything you need support with.
If you provide practical or emotional support for your family (including any siblings, as well as parents or carers), you may also be able to get support as a young carer.
Nacoa
Supports children and young people affected by a parent’s drinking, offering reassurance, advice, and understanding to help them cope with the impact at home.
Alateen online meetings
Provided by Al-Anon
Online meetings on Zoom for young people who are affected by a relative or friend’s alcohol use. Young people share their experiences and help and support each other.
Talk to Frank
Provides honest information and advice about drugs, helping young people understand risks, effects, and choices, and supporting those worried about drug use.
Text NATTER for help
Anyone can text ‘NATTER’ to 85258 to seek
help, wherever they are in the UK. It’s a free, anonymous service and available 24/7.
More about NATTER
Find other support
Find more trusted services that can support you when things feel overwhelming.
